Monday, May 29, 2006

The rainy days really bring back more memories of her I guess. She once told me whenever something is gonna happen to her it will rain. I was real worried then, but then again I do not believe in such things. Still I worried, I guess cannot be help since I do not realli know what is happening to her in the first place.

Just not long ago, I was happily strolling in the rain while others ran to seek for selters. For me that is probably the last few things that bring me closer to her. Each drops of rains feels cold but knowing that those rains might be representing her to find me just feels so warm.

This brings me to something that someone said. That person mention something like as long as the tree bears fruit, provides shade and fresh air, it is a good tree. Then someone else insist that sometime that trees is not that one you would like to rest under. Yes they are refering to love and their partners.

So what kind are you? Someone who just want to find a nice tree or someone who is finding the perfect tree? So which kind do i belong to? Neither, I do not believe that perfect trees exist so often I find a nice tree and groom it to become my perfect tree.

Apparently I not a good farmer, since I am pretty much a person who is so in love with perfect blikrieg kind of warfare. Planting trees just does not cut it, so I guess you all know what happen? I make a mess out of the whole place. Probably the reason why even my parents do not allow me to cook. Blehz.

On the side note, I always knows how will people react when they see a friend die. But I never really know how would people react if they know their friend is losing his memories at a rapid rate and soon maybe after this sleep he might not know you anymore. Anyone know?

12:37 AM

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Is it wrong to be good? Or just too much vitamin C can kill?

Most people have problem seeing far. Often they see the gain in the short term and jump into the bandwagon. See the dot com burst? Enron? Yeah, they are good example. But have anyone thought that seeing far is just as bad?

I am one good example. My sharp judgement and far sightedness have proven me to be a worthwhile leader and a good businessman. But I am just the same when it comes to love life, I judge things fast and sharp, go into it just about the same way. My far sightedness just let me preempt way too much things.

She always have something important to tell me, I will always say later baby, I need to study hard for my future, our future. When studies are done, I will say later baby, I need to work hard for my future, our future. All I see is future, but present she was never happy. I do not know, for all I know is future is at stake, but what future would it be if she is already gone? No future at all, at then I blame her, why is she so short sighted. Why do she wants everything to be short term?

Is she not serious with me? Just want a short term and be it? I did not trust her, I thought she had another love. I was wrong very wrong. From the start she wanted to be with me forever since 5 years ago. All I know then is, I wanna to excel like no body does it before. I wanna to control everything and everyone, I nearly did but I chose to gave up because of something that happens then which I do not want to speak of.

She yearn for me years after years and finally on the fifth, I finally saw who really like me. So I thought hell I will give it a try even it is a gamble. Swift and sharp i am, it does not take long for me to be with her but her happiness was pretty short lived.

Although, she had seen me well in the past and pretty much know I am demanding and I psycho perfectionist but she did not know that what I demand of myself is also what I demand for others. But often I only demand 80% of what I can do but not many can keep up with what I wanted. She told herself that I will change, she told herself I have my reason for all that. I cared for her and etc. She waited and waited.

I never woke up from my dream, my dream to build a perfect world. She was chosen because she is near perfect but still not perfect yet. But I finally found out the reason why she is not perfect is because the flaw in her is me. I am too into perfectness that brings pain and unhappiness to people around me.

It is still the same till these day, my colleague are all suffering under me. Many call me casanova or prince charming but little did I know to date. I have another name, heartless. They call me that because I work like robot with no emotion and needs. I do not stop to rest and neither do I take a break to catch my breathe.

Now we know why they say businessman are all heartless, maybe that is why? It is only when emotion is not involved then can one be sharp and swift with no hesistation.

It is now that I realized what I wanted was not the twin tower I built myself or the business empire that people look upon. But rather it is ur attention and ur love, I can say this, I can give up all I have now to roam the world with you as a nomad.

See you in my dream tonight.

9:46 PM

Monday, May 15, 2006

Very Often I ask, why is it every single things people ask me to do and not any one else. When things goes wrong, first thing they shout is my name? Is it because of I am the cause of everything? I used to think so, but soon I realized nope it is because people trust that I can do it that is why they keep looking for me.

Its been a long time since I last feel my inner fire, and I must say after the death of my beloved friend then I realized the fire still lives in me. I was now tasked to take over what he left behind and it is that trust he have in me that I must not let down, brings about the inner fire.
I used to aim to become an officer, to change the way the system works now, but 2 things came into my way. First, my friends think even with my full dedication, I just using an egg to kill a rock and secondly, my ex looks deep into my eyes and ask me to take care of her. No country where got family in chinese, but sometime I think if I cannot even take care of a little house, how can I take care of a country. So now I became a spec only.

What bring upon the deep thought actually? It was because most people thinks I am heartless and even when such unfortunate thing strike, I probably the one that can continue as normal as if nothing happen. But very often, I rather show a indifferent look heartless look than to be viewed as a emotional weakling. In other words, I rather be a bastard than to be a softies.

Inner fire, so what was that? Long ago, when I was popular for who I am. I definitely not someone who drive flashy car or dump hard cold cash on everything, neither am I a superstar or top model. But I have something most people do not have, a flame that burns in my eyes and confidence that I can walk on. In my world of there is only things that I do not want to do but not what I cannot do atitude, I command great respect in my somewhat twisted idealogy.

I lost it all when I promised my ex, I shall not intervene in anything in the "system", which means I bow down low to ranks and run away from all responsibilities. I became a spineless and gutless creature who seeks to just pass the time and begone. In someway, it kind of affected my real life as well, when i no longer have the guts or confidence to take on things at hands.

Beside that, the killing blow probably happen when I met ling er. It is like I am so comfortable living in her heart that it sort of kill off whatever makes me a Man before. I grown cocky and arragont and eventually lost her, and this I can blame no one. Inside her ice cold prison, now live a hatred for me I guess, I so wish to do something to touch her heart and open the very prison door again and live in it. But I know that she did not leave me because time was tough, because i no longer the beloved Eloi she knows years before. The one filled with zest and the one that face up the authority and challenge them at every bit of their weakness.

I really miss her a lot now, but there is nothing much I can do. Sometime I really wonder if I die instead of my friend, will she know? Will she come? If I can know the answer, I probably die on my friend's behalf peacefully. For life is never short when it is filled with love. Eventually life is just a passage, long or short does not matter as long as it is filled with love.

Like what someone said before "Life is not about the breathe we took but the moments that took the breathe away"

9:03 PM

Thursday, May 11, 2006

My room is so filled with the memories of her. I can hardly fall asleep. Suffering from insomia, I often fall asleep in camp and at some point in time actually sleep in camp off office hour just so that I survive everyday.
Many had asked me why I stayed there when all are eager to book out. As always I got to lie, I claimed I am damn sick or too tired to walk home that is why I sleeping in my bunk. 7 days without much sleep is taking its toil.
Why the sudden missing of her? Actually, all the while I did miss her but often I do not wish to show how much I loved her to others. So I often acted nonchalant and flirt around a lot, go over obsesse with someone else and woo her like a casanova. But none had noticed how much more I had drank until I fell into debts and everything.
But things changes when i watched a couple of hong kong series and realized that to have a soft spot for someone you love is not something to be ashamed of. It might had been the past but if I give up, it will guanranteed to be the past. Everyday I stared at the phone hoping that she will reply me that she agreed to my proposal to celebrate her birthday with her.
After all, the time we get together was three days after her birthday last year. I really hope to surprise her but I guess she will probably get a rude shock instead.
I am totally lost at this point in time, I really hope somoene could give me some guidance.

2:37 AM

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

That nurse reminds me of someone. The blur look on her face and the seriousness in her work.
I guess I really miss her that much. It is probably that combination that attract me to her initially I guess. Or was it the way she chose to help people in her holy white uniform.

Been like 7 months since I last saw her, still everyday when I walk past the bus stop I fetch her from, I will always check and double check to see if she is there. I know it will not happen but still I hope for a fairy tale ending. Whenever the bus she used to took pass by me, I will always eagerly peer into it, hoping to get a glimpse of her. Hoping she will come and look for me.

But no till to date. Everytime I get a call or a sms, I always hope and pray that it is from her but all the time it always been negative. I know she will not reply me nor call me but still I message her every now and then hoping that one day she will reply.

Every night, the slightest movement will send me running to the door and peer out of the peep hole, hoping I can see her. She hates me too much that I do not really wish to find her and make her angry once again.

Sometime I have this thought, how I wish I meet an accident or maybe get some bad ass illness. Maybe then she will come and take a last look at me. Or at least that is what I thought would happen.

What good are fantastic grades for my degree or money from my business, if I cannot share what I achieve with the one I love. Everyday the only thing that pushes me forward is the hope that one day she will come back to me. That is why without fail I try to knock off on time from work and hang around the bus stop, hoping she will alight from the bus and I will be the first one to see her.

I slowly losing my memories, that is why I have to blog. So one day when she come back, I will know what to tell her and how i really feel. Her birthday is round the corner, I really hoping for a miracle to happen.

2:26 AM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I really hope that you are not singing this song every night as you think of me.

"Cuz I'm A Girl (Original English)"

* I just can't understand the ways, Of all the men and their mistakes. You give them all your heart, and then they rip it all away...

- You told me how much you loved me, And how our love was meant to be. And i believed in you, i thought that you would set me free...


(chorus)

You should've just told me the truth, That i wasn't the girl for you... Still i didn't have a clue, So my heart depended on You... Whoah

Although i'll say 'i hate u' now, Although i'll shout and curse you out... I'll always have love for you, Because i am a girl

* Been told a man will leave you cold, Get sick of you and bored... I know that it's no lie, I gave my all still i just cry. Never again will i be fooled, to give my all when nothing's true... I won't be played again, but i will fall in love again...

(chorus)
You should've just told me the truth, That i wasn't the girl for you... Still i didn't have a clue, So my heart depended on You... Whoah

Although i'll say 'i hate u' now, Although i'll shout and curse you out... I'll always have love for you, Because i am a girl


--- I loved u so... now u leave me in the cold, How could this be, i thought that u'd only love me... Into the night, i will pray that you're alright.. You hurt me so, I can't let u go ---


(bridge)


You took advantage of my willingness to do anything for love, Now i'm the only one in pain... will you please take it all away~ Oh~

(chorus)


Never thought born being a girl, How i can love you and be burned... And now i will build a wall, to never get torn again~

Although i'll say 'i hate u' now, Although i'll shout and curse you out... I'll always have love for you, Because i am a girl

Although i'll say 'i hate u' now, Although i'll shout and curse you out... I'll always have love for you, Because i am a girl

8:53 PM

Still remember the cute doggie puzzle I made for her?

12:51 AM

Monday, May 01, 2006

Many have viewed me undefeatable. Many have think I can be better.
But to me I cannot see beyond the fear of myself. I rule myself with an iron fist, not a time I let myself shake my bon bon neither do I allow myself to be wild.

Many challenges ahead, but I not sure why her departure hit me so hard that I sitll cannot stand up. She definitely not the first but why is her impact so great? Have I developed such great reliant on her? Or have staying in army for too long tame my once feracious appetites or have they numb my leading qualities that I used to have?

People used to come up to me for everything, love problem to technical problem. If you do not believe, they actually ask me on cooking certain dishes too. Seems unbelievable but that was my life before.

Somehow I feel it is a curse for hurting such a nice gal. A invisible weight put upon my body and my soul to remind me, I am all but just a human being. It is also because of love that make you so strong as before but now you shall suffer without it to make u remember where you used to get your success from.

3 more months to find back myself before i enter the society back again. Since I believe in no god, I can only depend on myself now.

11:12 PM

Still remember Lana? Yeah the cute gal from smallville.
She once too many time asked "Why would u lied to the person u loved?"

Seldom more often than other we lie for many reasons, for me I am no exception. Just like hercules will never tell about how losing his hair will make him lose his strength. Neither will I show my weakness.

Maybe she will say she will understand. But to me a guy is born a protector, weakness is not something that I should admit instead I must try to grow out of it. I wanted to protect her so I lied, never did she ever will find out what was the real lie I said. For I know it is for her own good that she do not know.

I love her and will always protect her even if I had to lie all my life. For my aim in life beside my personal goals, is to protect and love her forever. That promise was sealed in the ring I gave her, but I guess she probably have thrown it away. Sigh.

1:25 AM

Psychotic and eccentric guy.
Diagnoised as unstable since 22 years ago.
Currently detained in a certain army camp.

Listening to In Another Time

Pagani Zonda

ORD!

A lady for me to protect

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