Monday, June 19, 2006
It seems that what will my girlfriend do if she do not have friends to accompany? If she is really bored and wanted to talk to a guy. Even if I am not free, I will say "Do not meet him. Come to me. I will quit working now." That is true love. Love is to abandon what you doing now to see her.
I may say that now, but last time I never do that. I always think she is too childish she will probably demand me to see her now instead of saying, "Dear, I know you have important things to do, finish it then call me k?" But that was what she always do in silent, I never seems to notice because maybe like what she say I still treat her like a little girl. I gave her the protection, the care and concern like one would give to a helpless girl.
I dote so much on her, I protect her so much. Why? Simply because I do not want to walk this life without her or her being hurt. I plan for the perfect future, her favourite dog. The house she always wanted and the very wedding she look forward to. I think hard everyday how to get the money to put fireworks in the wedding? I even consider turning to be a diplomat to gain access to such privilages. The house will probably cost more like 10 to 15 million dollars in singapore, i think about the option I have. I even consider doing dangerous jobs such as repairing oil tankers and such, that will still take me more than 7 years to accumulate that much.
I wanted the best for her so much so that I totally ignore her. I really regret planning so much, for in the end I lost her and all the plans are in my rubbish bin. I always pretended to say I am busy with work and such so I can secretly plan all this. Save up on rings and such, when we broke up I splurge all on food and things. I cannot even remember what I bought.
If instead of scrim and save everyday, I spend a little on her everyday. Maybe we could still be together. Maybe if I had gave her a rose everyday, I would not need to apologize with a dozen of rose which only see the dust bin.
I miss her nagging.
9:16 PM
Learn to trust is a pretty hard thing for me to do. Probably why my ex seems to emphasis a lot on that. But seriously I do not believe in such thing as guy friends for a girl. Why?
Well let see, a girl tend to be a sensitive creature that think a lot and beside that they actually have the greatest memory on earth while dating. So what could have went wrong? Just imagine during a romantic movie with another guy and she or he accidentely touched each other hand? Nothing wrong? Maybe at first look but when quarrel happen in relationship, she will be reminded of that touch that let her waver. The gentle touch she seek for, that she probably get from you but because of the quarrel she think likewise.
Not a rocket science right? But in all fairness, I on the guy side also side step all my female friends. It seems unhealthy, I mean when we finally break up, I will be like opps where is all my friend kind of thing. But still I never regretted, for the memory she gave me is very much enough to cover up whatever I lost and had to rebuilt. Personally me as a friend I also understand why those attached female friends cannot keep in contact with me, I also never put any blame on them as fair weather friend. I understand and when they finally broke up, I can still be their friend to help by their side again.
I mean is not what friends are for? To put aside all difference and accept the person totally? No that is not what relationship are for, it is different. For relationship, it is recognise the differences and start loving them.
Like her, she loves to dress in bohemia style and I more into european classy style and yet bold. It is total conflict at one view. But in a bigger picture we are love to side step main stream popularity. It is also within this relationship I recognise the beauty in a new form of dressing and slowly gain acceptance.
Another major breakthrough is probably parents' involvement in the relationship. For me I always think it is a 2 person affair, the rest are just outsider and for her, it is more of a family issue. Bicker bicker bicker. Nothing was ever resolved, but slowly and gradually I put off my once absurd and yet unique thinking, no one is worth my respect just because they are old or else even old aged killer and rapist shall be respected. Then I realized something, it is not old age that really matters but the very fact that they can live till old age toughing through the time to bring up kids and maintain the husband and wife relationship that we must respect.
Breakup and suicide are so common nowadays, it really awaken me to view things in a totally different aspect. Maybe that is what people say by people grow up over the time, it is when we see things and feel things that we actually reach realization or enlightenment.
No matter what, it is hard for me to trust people. Past had shown me one thing, you are kind to people, people will just take whatever you offer them and run off. Project ideas worth millions of dollars got snatched away and claimed as theirs. Friends trying to steal my girl friend from under my nose and still got the cheek to pretend to be my friend. Friends who I gave all my generousity to, came back with a smile and a dagger in my back.
Even at times, when I loan out hundreds of dollars to my best friend with no question asked. Gave up my favourite girl I yearn for, just because I treasure my best friend so much. If there is not a thank in return, so be it. What I do not get is, why must he return to stab me? Or was all this a challenge? To befriend and betray me? To destroy my life is their ultimate aim?
I not really sure.
My quote:
"Apparently, everything is my fault. Somehow everything is associated with me, from the teacher getting pregnant to sky falling. I swear one day they will say the birth of christ is because to counteract me."
8:46 PM
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Sometime I really wonder why i never trust people. Something happen recently just prove me right. I should never trust people. For those I trust betrayed me way too many time. I really wonder am I stupid or something. Seriously, I am, even my friend said so.
I really miss her, without her I been doing stupid things. Haiz.
"My strength lies not within my body but within my heart, the heart that drive the insane determination that solve even the impossible mission" - Prince Eloi
My favourite code from my officer
"It does not matter if it is your problem or his problem, but as long you know about it, you should settle the problem. So now this is your real problem."
9:17 PM
I believe when I am outside your home, you will be sad when you see it rain outside.
I believe when you never reply me, you actually misses me but have nothing to say.
I not sure what I am thinking, I believe you are looking at me.
I believe the reason why I smile is because of ur smile.
I believe even the hands you hold are not mine, but you still think of it as mine.
I not sure why I am happy now, I believe it is because you are encouraging me.
I believe there is still hope, five years down the road, you will be by my side.
I believe I will be the one eventually, to carry you on my back.
I believe I will be the one who stay with you forever and ever.
I chose to believe in myself again, I chose to trust yet again. But all the world show me is there is no hope, there will be no trust worth giving.
3:42 PM
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Ever remember the time in army, they say it is all in your mind?
I always wanted to reply if that is true, then I probably can fly.
Ok never mind I did not exactly do that, who wants to send something so dumb just to get extra. But sometime it is possible to do things beyond ur limit by controlling your mind, look at those people who were so fit and ran till they died. Yes, true enough we can break our limit but once it pass our safe threshold we might just die.
For me, I just did that. I tell myself if I score well in examination, she will come back to me. I tell myself if I can perform well in field camp despite my injuries, she will come back to me. I managed to survive through my camp with my back injuries with nearly no sleep due to the intense pain just because I hope to see her when I come back home. I got distinction after distinction, hoping to see her eventually. But nope never did, hopes are losing but still everyday I fought hard hoping that one day when she return to me she can enjoy the fruit of my hardwork.
Slowly and surely maybe all those controlling of my mind and pushing to the limit, I experiencing serious memory lost. Maybe it is good that I forget everything now, so i can start refresh without her but the thought of it is so painful that I noted down everything I can about her before the images start fading.
For those who knows me, yes I am forgetful but now it is becoming worst, so if one day I did nt say "hi". I did not really mean it, i probably lost that part of my memories.
10:31 PM
8th sms and still no reply, sometime I really wonder should I just give up. But I still remember then she ask me why I never go after her initally. She was so frustrated with my answer then, I told her because when I asked if she would want a boyfriend she said she wanted to wait until after university before going into the relationship. That is how I gave up, pretty dumb eh but sometime I really wonder if I should listen to others. Many of my friends told me it is more gentlemenly to respect her wish, but I would say bullshit I guess. Seriously, because of that she had doubted that I am serious about her, after all if you really like a person why would you wait for 5 years or if the other side matters why would u let her wait for 5 years.
I told myself, maybe this time I have to wait for her for another 5 years, maybe our fate will finally meet. All my friends say I am dumb, but sometime I really do think it is indeed dumb after all she is not speaking to me at all. But still I waited, many was shocked indeed for me to be single for so long. I tried to fall for others but somehow the feeling was never the same. The longing that far exceed my threshold, the desire just to see her everyday.
None of my friend actually believe I am waiting for her, "gosh" I mean they always call me playboy and how can that link with someone who waited for his ex for more than 6 months. Staying at home and staring at the phone for reply, dazing away in class and not to mention jump out of bed in the middle of night thinking the phone rang. Even my others ex who talked to me was amazed at my change, many asked me who exactly she is. All of them think she is a beauty or something for me to be so obssess with her. I do have her pix but I never wanted to give to others. For I feel that she might be a simple girl but to me she is my eternity. Someone I feel that I can live forever with, I really wonder how she is now? Sigh.
10:19 PM