Monday, May 15, 2006
Very Often I ask, why is it every single things people ask me to do and not any one else. When things goes wrong, first thing they shout is my name? Is it because of I am the cause of everything? I used to think so, but soon I realized nope it is because people trust that I can do it that is why they keep looking for me.
Its been a long time since I last feel my inner fire, and I must say after the death of my beloved friend then I realized the fire still lives in me. I was now tasked to take over what he left behind and it is that trust he have in me that I must not let down, brings about the inner fire.
I used to aim to become an officer, to change the way the system works now, but 2 things came into my way. First, my friends think even with my full dedication, I just using an egg to kill a rock and secondly, my ex looks deep into my eyes and ask me to take care of her. No country where got family in chinese, but sometime I think if I cannot even take care of a little house, how can I take care of a country. So now I became a spec only.
What bring upon the deep thought actually? It was because most people thinks I am heartless and even when such unfortunate thing strike, I probably the one that can continue as normal as if nothing happen. But very often, I rather show a indifferent look heartless look than to be viewed as a emotional weakling. In other words, I rather be a bastard than to be a softies.
Inner fire, so what was that? Long ago, when I was popular for who I am. I definitely not someone who drive flashy car or dump hard cold cash on everything, neither am I a superstar or top model. But I have something most people do not have, a flame that burns in my eyes and confidence that I can walk on. In my world of there is only things that I do not want to do but not what I cannot do atitude, I command great respect in my somewhat twisted idealogy.
I lost it all when I promised my ex, I shall not intervene in anything in the "system", which means I bow down low to ranks and run away from all responsibilities. I became a spineless and gutless creature who seeks to just pass the time and begone. In someway, it kind of affected my real life as well, when i no longer have the guts or confidence to take on things at hands.
Beside that, the killing blow probably happen when I met ling er. It is like I am so comfortable living in her heart that it sort of kill off whatever makes me a Man before. I grown cocky and arragont and eventually lost her, and this I can blame no one. Inside her ice cold prison, now live a hatred for me I guess, I so wish to do something to touch her heart and open the very prison door again and live in it. But I know that she did not leave me because time was tough, because i no longer the beloved Eloi she knows years before. The one filled with zest and the one that face up the authority and challenge them at every bit of their weakness.
I really miss her a lot now, but there is nothing much I can do. Sometime I really wonder if I die instead of my friend, will she know? Will she come? If I can know the answer, I probably die on my friend's behalf peacefully. For life is never short when it is filled with love. Eventually life is just a passage, long or short does not matter as long as it is filled with love.
Like what someone said before "Life is not about the breathe we took but the moments that took the breathe away"
9:03 PM
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